Life definitely has its ups and downs, doesn't it? And just when you feel like everything is going smoothly and you say to yourself, "I got this! Life is great!"...something happens, and life smacks you in the face and says back to you, "Oh no you don't". Ugh....the ugly side of depression. I am going to be frank, depression is one ugly beast that continues to rear its ugly head over and over and over again. Just when you feel like you have a good handle on it, something happens and you are pulled down under again. I heard someone say once that depression makes people feel like they're drowning, just below the surface. You can look up and see the light, and you want so bad to reach out and break through the water's surface and start living the life you believe you were meant to live, but something keeps holding you under. It's like you have weights tied around your ankles, and you are constantly fighting against them and pushing with all your strength to reach the surface...but those weights just keep pulling you back under. Such a helpless feeling.
I have overall had a good month since beginning my weight loss journey. The month of September was a great month overall, and I was able to lose 8 pounds and get back into the routine of exercising. It has been a while since I have felt so much energy and vitality. It's such an empowering feeling, and I crave more of that feeling. But I have really been struggling the last few weeks. I have almost lost my desire to continue to exercise, and I have already gained back a couple pounds. I feel "stuck", and I feel almost paralyzed, like I know I need to get motivated and pick myself back up and continue trying, but I just can't. It's such an unsettling, horrible feeling.
I have been dealing with depression now for 7 years....but I wasn't actually diagnosed until 3 years ago. Since I was diagnosed, I have spent hours and hours reading about and researching depression, and have tried many things to help combat it. Eating healthy food, exercising, yoga, meditation, reading self-help books are all very good things, and when I do them I do feel a lot better. But the best thing for helping me combat my depression is scripture study and prayer. Keeping an open communication line with my Heavenly Father gives me strength and heals my soul far more than anything else I have tried. The ironic thing is that most days, it's the last thing I want to do. Most days, I feel the weight of my weaknesses so heavily that I don't feel worthy to ask for help. Not saying that I can't fight these feelings and do it anyway, because I do most days, but I would be lying if I didn't say that I do have that occasional day where I can't bring myself to do it.
Life is hard! I read a post on nieniedialogues.com this morning that said that Stephanie feels like so much of her died on that day of her plane crash. Her words resonate so deeply with me. I feel like going through our traumatic events of 2008, a part of me died that I will never get back. I am a very different person that I was prior to these events. All of us feel this way as we go through our trials of life. We are changed into different people. And the interesting thing is that it is up to us what kind of a person we turn into. We can become hardened and cynical, or we can become humble and teachable. Obviously, personal growth only comes when we humble ourselves and are willing to be taught by the Master.
I read an Instagram post the other day by Tammy Strait, author of "Pretty: Breaking Free from a Superficial Life" (which book I highly recommend), that simply said "Turn the Page." She explained in her comments that we have all read books and got stuck on a page or scene that we can't process or understand, and we sit on this page for YEARS. A relationship, hardship, an identity or lesson we just keep repeating or rehashing over and over and over. Maybe we aren't ready to write a new story. Maybe we get something from all the chaos. Maybe we're just plain scared of moving forward without this one thing because we've held it for so long. It's time. It's enough. Turn the page.
So that is what I want to do with all my heart.....Turn The Page! It is time. Time to leave the past in the past and move on to the next chapter, which is scary and exhilarating and full of unknowns. But it might just turn out to be something beautiful.
Thursday, October 15, 2015
Sunday, August 30, 2015
Ready to jump in with both feet....
I have struggled with my weight since I had my third child (6 years now)...which also coincides with the same time that we had a major family crisis, which triggered my depression, and I have struggled with my weight ever since. I have gone through many phases over the last 6 years.... hating my appearance so much that I avoided all cameras and mirrors; loathing and disgust with myself for not having enough "will power" to lose weight quickly like I had done after my first two pregnancies; a complete lack of self-confidence, to the point where I honestly couldn't think of one thing I was good at; an overwhelming feeling of worthlessness and inadequacy, and that I had no talents and was too "broken" to contribute anything of substance to my family and community and the world. This list could go on, but in a nutshell, I have been in some dark places, struggling with overcoming lots of negative self-talk.
Thankfully, I have come a long way in the last few years, and have reached a point where I can say that I have accepted myself, weaknesses and all, just the way I am. I am loved greatly...by my wonderful husband, my children, my extended family, close friends, and most importantly my Heavenly Father. He loves me just the way I am-- and that love will not change, whether I am a size 14 or a size 6. It has taken me a long time to get to this point to truly know this, but I can in all sincerity of my heart say that I know this to be true. My value as a human being is not dependent on my outer appearance, and it is not dependent on how many awards or degrees I have, and it is not dependent on how much money is in my bank account. I am loved and have value beyond what I can comprehend. What a comforting and sweet thing to know this!
Ironically enough, now that I have gotten to the point where I have accepted myself and love myself just the way I am, I have a great desire to work towards becoming a better "me". I want to improve my health and quality of life, so that I have increased health and energy, which is necessary to live life to the fullest. I am tired of being a passive bystander in my own life, watching from the sidelines instead of being an active player in what happens to me. I want to live an intentional life-- I want to be an agent who acts and seeks to learn, not waiting to be acted upon. I want to take risks, try new things, set goals and work hard to achieve them, full well knowing that there will be setbacks and "failures" along the way....and the beautiful thing is that that is okay! I will repeat: IT IS OKAY TO STUMBLE AND FAIL. True failure only comes in giving up, by not picking yourself back up and trying again. And again. And again.
Life is not about perfection-- it is about trying and failing, over and over again, until we get it right. And it doesn't matter how many times you have to do something over again, or how long it takes-- the true learning and growth comes by trying again. Every mistake and "failure" along the way is a stepping stone, and we learn through our own experiences what works and what doesn't.
So...I am starting a journey tomorrow that is not going to be easy, in fact it's going to be really hard, and frankly scares the he&$ out of me. But I am ready to take the next step in taking a more active role in my own life. I will be documenting my successes and setbacks along the way, and I'm sure it is going to be a crazy ride. But I am ready. I am jumping in with both feet! I am choosing faith over fear.
Thankfully, I have come a long way in the last few years, and have reached a point where I can say that I have accepted myself, weaknesses and all, just the way I am. I am loved greatly...by my wonderful husband, my children, my extended family, close friends, and most importantly my Heavenly Father. He loves me just the way I am-- and that love will not change, whether I am a size 14 or a size 6. It has taken me a long time to get to this point to truly know this, but I can in all sincerity of my heart say that I know this to be true. My value as a human being is not dependent on my outer appearance, and it is not dependent on how many awards or degrees I have, and it is not dependent on how much money is in my bank account. I am loved and have value beyond what I can comprehend. What a comforting and sweet thing to know this!
Ironically enough, now that I have gotten to the point where I have accepted myself and love myself just the way I am, I have a great desire to work towards becoming a better "me". I want to improve my health and quality of life, so that I have increased health and energy, which is necessary to live life to the fullest. I am tired of being a passive bystander in my own life, watching from the sidelines instead of being an active player in what happens to me. I want to live an intentional life-- I want to be an agent who acts and seeks to learn, not waiting to be acted upon. I want to take risks, try new things, set goals and work hard to achieve them, full well knowing that there will be setbacks and "failures" along the way....and the beautiful thing is that that is okay! I will repeat: IT IS OKAY TO STUMBLE AND FAIL. True failure only comes in giving up, by not picking yourself back up and trying again. And again. And again.
Life is not about perfection-- it is about trying and failing, over and over again, until we get it right. And it doesn't matter how many times you have to do something over again, or how long it takes-- the true learning and growth comes by trying again. Every mistake and "failure" along the way is a stepping stone, and we learn through our own experiences what works and what doesn't.
So...I am starting a journey tomorrow that is not going to be easy, in fact it's going to be really hard, and frankly scares the he&$ out of me. But I am ready to take the next step in taking a more active role in my own life. I will be documenting my successes and setbacks along the way, and I'm sure it is going to be a crazy ride. But I am ready. I am jumping in with both feet! I am choosing faith over fear.
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Life is Good!
I suffer from depression. Phew. You have no idea how hard it's been for me to get to the point where I can say that out loud. It's been a journey, to say the least. I suffered from it for 4 years before I even knew that that's what it was. And now I've been working on overcoming it for the last 2 years. I have my good days and bad, and thankfully the bad days have been few and far between for the last few months. I don't know whether anyone will ever even read this blog, but I thought that this would be a good way for me to get my thoughts written down, and it would actually be cathartic.....like a cleansing process.
A few things that I have learned along the way.....
Be grateful-- practice being grateful every day. Wake up every day and choose to focus on how blessed you are, rather than focusing on all the negative, and what you don't have. I just heard a new country song on the radio today that has a great message. The message is that "Life isn't Fair". Your first instinct on hearing that is to think about how many trials, injustices, hardships have been a part of your life....am I right? But that is not what the song is talking about. The musician sings about a few of the bad things he has done in life, and yet for whatever reason has been blessed in spite of those things. He doesn't feel deserving of all the good things he has, but he is so grateful anyways. He says life isn't fair, because if it was, he wouldn't be as blessed as he is. He recognizes grace in his life. I am so grateful for the Savior's Atonement, and how His grace lifts me up and gives me strength beyond my own to make it through the hard times. I am weak on my own, but with Him, "I can do all things" (Phillipians 4:13). I am in awe at how blessed my life is. Life is so so good.
Think positive thoughts! Let go of all the negative thoughts that are in your head. This has been a tough one for me. I have been very critical of myself in the past, and really beat myself up for my mistakes and shortcomings, but I am learning to let go of those thoughts, and instead tell myself, "I am enough". I am not perfect, nor will I ever be in this life, but I am trying. Every day is a blessing! I wake up so grateful to have another day on this Earth to pick myself up and try again-- try to be a little bit better than I was yesterday.
Find joy in the journey. It is a very good thing to set goals and work every day on achieving them, but it's important to remember to not get caught saying to yourself, "I'll be so happy when I get to my goal weight......I'll be so happy when my kids are all out of diapers....I'll be so happy when I buy a new house.....I'll be so happy when we can afford to get a new car.....". The list could go on and on. Choose to be happy now! Enjoy today...right now. Live for today! Let go of the past, and don't stress about the future....live in the present. So much joy can be had if you look for it. Like today, for instance, I am happy because I chose to pack a healthy lunch to take with me while I was running errands. And while I was sitting in the Walmart parking lot, eating my prepared lunch, I looked over at McDonald's across the street (which is where I would've ended up eating lunch if I hadn't packed one, let's be honest), and was proud of that little success of mine. Don't overlook your small successes, because those everyday small successes accumulate over time to being exactly how you meet your big goals. AND...when I got home from running my errands, I was so tired and wanted to take a 30 minute nap before my kids got home from school. But then I noticed that my living room floor really needed to be vacuumed and mopped, so I did that instead. See? Another little success for the day.
Life is good!
A few things that I have learned along the way.....
Be grateful-- practice being grateful every day. Wake up every day and choose to focus on how blessed you are, rather than focusing on all the negative, and what you don't have. I just heard a new country song on the radio today that has a great message. The message is that "Life isn't Fair". Your first instinct on hearing that is to think about how many trials, injustices, hardships have been a part of your life....am I right? But that is not what the song is talking about. The musician sings about a few of the bad things he has done in life, and yet for whatever reason has been blessed in spite of those things. He doesn't feel deserving of all the good things he has, but he is so grateful anyways. He says life isn't fair, because if it was, he wouldn't be as blessed as he is. He recognizes grace in his life. I am so grateful for the Savior's Atonement, and how His grace lifts me up and gives me strength beyond my own to make it through the hard times. I am weak on my own, but with Him, "I can do all things" (Phillipians 4:13). I am in awe at how blessed my life is. Life is so so good.
Think positive thoughts! Let go of all the negative thoughts that are in your head. This has been a tough one for me. I have been very critical of myself in the past, and really beat myself up for my mistakes and shortcomings, but I am learning to let go of those thoughts, and instead tell myself, "I am enough". I am not perfect, nor will I ever be in this life, but I am trying. Every day is a blessing! I wake up so grateful to have another day on this Earth to pick myself up and try again-- try to be a little bit better than I was yesterday.
Find joy in the journey. It is a very good thing to set goals and work every day on achieving them, but it's important to remember to not get caught saying to yourself, "I'll be so happy when I get to my goal weight......I'll be so happy when my kids are all out of diapers....I'll be so happy when I buy a new house.....I'll be so happy when we can afford to get a new car.....". The list could go on and on. Choose to be happy now! Enjoy today...right now. Live for today! Let go of the past, and don't stress about the future....live in the present. So much joy can be had if you look for it. Like today, for instance, I am happy because I chose to pack a healthy lunch to take with me while I was running errands. And while I was sitting in the Walmart parking lot, eating my prepared lunch, I looked over at McDonald's across the street (which is where I would've ended up eating lunch if I hadn't packed one, let's be honest), and was proud of that little success of mine. Don't overlook your small successes, because those everyday small successes accumulate over time to being exactly how you meet your big goals. AND...when I got home from running my errands, I was so tired and wanted to take a 30 minute nap before my kids got home from school. But then I noticed that my living room floor really needed to be vacuumed and mopped, so I did that instead. See? Another little success for the day.
Life is good!
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