I have struggled with my weight since I had my third child (6 years now)...which also coincides with the same time that we had a major family crisis, which triggered my depression, and I have struggled with my weight ever since. I have gone through many phases over the last 6 years.... hating my appearance so much that I avoided all cameras and mirrors; loathing and disgust with myself for not having enough "will power" to lose weight quickly like I had done after my first two pregnancies; a complete lack of self-confidence, to the point where I honestly couldn't think of one thing I was good at; an overwhelming feeling of worthlessness and inadequacy, and that I had no talents and was too "broken" to contribute anything of substance to my family and community and the world. This list could go on, but in a nutshell, I have been in some dark places, struggling with overcoming lots of negative self-talk.
Thankfully, I have come a long way in the last few years, and have reached a point where I can say that I have accepted myself, weaknesses and all, just the way I am. I am loved greatly...by my wonderful husband, my children, my extended family, close friends, and most importantly my Heavenly Father. He loves me just the way I am-- and that love will not change, whether I am a size 14 or a size 6. It has taken me a long time to get to this point to truly know this, but I can in all sincerity of my heart say that I know this to be true. My value as a human being is not dependent on my outer appearance, and it is not dependent on how many awards or degrees I have, and it is not dependent on how much money is in my bank account. I am loved and have value beyond what I can comprehend. What a comforting and sweet thing to know this!
Ironically enough, now that I have gotten to the point where I have accepted myself and love myself just the way I am, I have a great desire to work towards becoming a better "me". I want to improve my health and quality of life, so that I have increased health and energy, which is necessary to live life to the fullest. I am tired of being a passive bystander in my own life, watching from the sidelines instead of being an active player in what happens to me. I want to live an intentional life-- I want to be an agent who acts and seeks to learn, not waiting to be acted upon. I want to take risks, try new things, set goals and work hard to achieve them, full well knowing that there will be setbacks and "failures" along the way....and the beautiful thing is that that is okay! I will repeat: IT IS OKAY TO STUMBLE AND FAIL. True failure only comes in giving up, by not picking yourself back up and trying again. And again. And again.
Life is not about perfection-- it is about trying and failing, over and over again, until we get it right. And it doesn't matter how many times you have to do something over again, or how long it takes-- the true learning and growth comes by trying again. Every mistake and "failure" along the way is a stepping stone, and we learn through our own experiences what works and what doesn't.
So...I am starting a journey tomorrow that is not going to be easy, in fact it's going to be really hard, and frankly scares the he&$ out of me. But I am ready to take the next step in taking a more active role in my own life. I will be documenting my successes and setbacks along the way, and I'm sure it is going to be a crazy ride. But I am ready. I am jumping in with both feet! I am choosing faith over fear.
