Life definitely has its ups and downs, doesn't it? And just when you feel like everything is going smoothly and you say to yourself, "I got this! Life is great!"...something happens, and life smacks you in the face and says back to you, "Oh no you don't". Ugh....the ugly side of depression. I am going to be frank, depression is one ugly beast that continues to rear its ugly head over and over and over again. Just when you feel like you have a good handle on it, something happens and you are pulled down under again. I heard someone say once that depression makes people feel like they're drowning, just below the surface. You can look up and see the light, and you want so bad to reach out and break through the water's surface and start living the life you believe you were meant to live, but something keeps holding you under. It's like you have weights tied around your ankles, and you are constantly fighting against them and pushing with all your strength to reach the surface...but those weights just keep pulling you back under. Such a helpless feeling.
I have overall had a good month since beginning my weight loss journey. The month of September was a great month overall, and I was able to lose 8 pounds and get back into the routine of exercising. It has been a while since I have felt so much energy and vitality. It's such an empowering feeling, and I crave more of that feeling. But I have really been struggling the last few weeks. I have almost lost my desire to continue to exercise, and I have already gained back a couple pounds. I feel "stuck", and I feel almost paralyzed, like I know I need to get motivated and pick myself back up and continue trying, but I just can't. It's such an unsettling, horrible feeling.
I have been dealing with depression now for 7 years....but I wasn't actually diagnosed until 3 years ago. Since I was diagnosed, I have spent hours and hours reading about and researching depression, and have tried many things to help combat it. Eating healthy food, exercising, yoga, meditation, reading self-help books are all very good things, and when I do them I do feel a lot better. But the best thing for helping me combat my depression is scripture study and prayer. Keeping an open communication line with my Heavenly Father gives me strength and heals my soul far more than anything else I have tried. The ironic thing is that most days, it's the last thing I want to do. Most days, I feel the weight of my weaknesses so heavily that I don't feel worthy to ask for help. Not saying that I can't fight these feelings and do it anyway, because I do most days, but I would be lying if I didn't say that I do have that occasional day where I can't bring myself to do it.
Life is hard! I read a post on nieniedialogues.com this morning that said that Stephanie feels like so much of her died on that day of her plane crash. Her words resonate so deeply with me. I feel like going through our traumatic events of 2008, a part of me died that I will never get back. I am a very different person that I was prior to these events. All of us feel this way as we go through our trials of life. We are changed into different people. And the interesting thing is that it is up to us what kind of a person we turn into. We can become hardened and cynical, or we can become humble and teachable. Obviously, personal growth only comes when we humble ourselves and are willing to be taught by the Master.
I read an Instagram post the other day by Tammy Strait, author of "Pretty: Breaking Free from a Superficial Life" (which book I highly recommend), that simply said "Turn the Page." She explained in her comments that we have all read books and got stuck on a page or scene that we can't process or understand, and we sit on this page for YEARS. A relationship, hardship, an identity or lesson we just keep repeating or rehashing over and over and over. Maybe we aren't ready to write a new story. Maybe we get something from all the chaos. Maybe we're just plain scared of moving forward without this one thing because we've held it for so long. It's time. It's enough. Turn the page.
So that is what I want to do with all my heart.....Turn The Page! It is time. Time to leave the past in the past and move on to the next chapter, which is scary and exhilarating and full of unknowns. But it might just turn out to be something beautiful.
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